i bought some sea monkeys for my office. i read in newsweek that a pet of any sort can reduce workplace stress, and on my next trip to the soon to be belly up natural wonders in the mall, there was a bright yellow box of happiness and stress relief. i took them to work, set up the little oval plastic tank, and poured in my sea monkey seeds. i noticed the people at the factory had forgotten to include food for my new little pets, so i immediately called 1.800.sea.monkeys to request some. the friendly gentleman on the other end of the line promised a packet of food by the end of the week. the monkeys hatched, and as they were no larger than specks of dust i figured they would be fine until the end of the week. but when friday rolled around, and no packet of food, i got worried. i picked up an extra whopper junior at burger king for lunch. looking in the tank, i saw how tiny they still were (even though five times the size of the original them) and decided i better chew the burger for my little friends. plop plop plop. in went the masticated glops of burger for my little birdies. all remnants of burger were gone by quitting time. i went down to the vending machines and got them some slim jims. plop plop plop.

on monday my packet of food arrived. the people at the packing plant had accidentally included a packet of special dna bender, avian sea monkey formula, and "sea froggie" labelled as a special sea monkey lung grower. each had an orange sticker reading "test phase only, not to be used by anyone except a licensed seamonkeyologist". I dumped the food, avian monkey formula, and lung grower into the tank. licensed seamonkeyologist indeed. by the end of the day each avianmonkeyfrog was a half an inch long. the tank was packed with the writhing mutants, and stubby protrusions had appeared on their backs. when the mass of monkey-creatures raised one of their brethren above the surface of the water in all their squirming, i noticed the monkey out of water take a gasping breath through it's little monkey mouth. interesting.

next day on reaching my desk, the tank was empty. i felt a lump rise in my throat as i contemplated life without my little sea-buddies. i went to the coffee maker to get some colombian mood enhancer, and there were my monkeys. they flew in perfect fighter plane formation in a circle over the coffee machine. the stubs from yeterday had turned into semi transparent wings shaped like those of a vampire bat. one of them had made a trip to blockbuster for some classics, because in perfect unison they hummed :oh wee oh, ohhh, ohhh. like the guards at the wicked witches castle in wizard of oz. the castle with the winged monkeys. creepy. from time to time, a monkey creature, now about two inches long, would swoop down and sip from a cup of coffee someone had left on the counter. man, they must be hyper. i went to my desk to grab my trash can and try to corral my escaped compadres, and noticed my change jar was open and empty. then i saw the bunch of slim jim wrappers and coke cans in the trash. the monkeys had had a party, but at least they'd cleaned up. i went back to demand repayment of my change stash, and found the receptionist telling the monkeys they hadn't checked in at her desk. when they ignored her, she pointed a finger at one and said "listen here!" there was a swirl of monkeys, and the next thing i know there is a shiny white bone where the receptionist's finger used to be. she was too surprised to scream, so i did for her. one of the rude little monkeys let out a loud belch.

i ran to the janitorial closet to get some wasp spray. i hated to hurt my monkeys, but they had crossed the line, and the receptionist might blame me for the loss of her pointer. i ran back, and the monkeys were waiting. as i sprayed the first sorty of attacking monkeys, a few that had been hiding behind the door ambushed me. i got two by flapping my hands and crying like a mad baby, but the third ripped my earring from my ear, spat it out, and took a greedy bite of my lobe. ouch. i sprayed him without thinking and doused my newly shaped ear with wasp spray. really ouch. before i could turn the can around for sea monkey sortie two, the infantry arrived. two sea monkey commandos marched up each of my pant legs and began breakfasting on my knees. the pain in my wasp spray marinated ear remains suddenly wasn't as important. i clapped my knees together like that dance move where you switch your knees (i never could do that) and finally the horrid little monkeys fell out. finally i was able to spray the monkeys into submission. then the receptionist and i flushed the little corpses, five and six at a time, before my boss arrived. i heard quiet weeping that i thought at first was coming from the receptionist, but then i realized it was coming from outside the window. i looked out, noticing as i did a small tear in the screen. on the other side of the window, a husband sea monkey put his arm around his weeping wife, as they both hovered on bat wings and breathed the air in their little mutant lungs. they turned and flew off. the receptionist seems a bit worried, but i assure her the crazed mutations rendered the last mutant sea monkey couple sterile. i almost believe it.